Charlie & The Quill

Dear Mommy Friend

January 14, 2018

Dear Mommy Friend,

Inspired by one of those mom days where nothing’s been going right for the last few weeks and the future looks bleak. Written on a day where I’m in a good headspace, otherwise, this post would also look bleak.

How are you? No, really how are you? I mean, when’s the last time anyone’s ask how you’re doing without really just wanting to talk about themselves? Moms are just supposed to listen, care, and take in everything else everyone wants to dump on them. (I mean, I think we literally do that to our own moms. Let’s call her and say sorry for this way).

Ah, it’s been one of those couple of weeks, months, and now it suddenly feels like a life time. You can’t win. It’s losing, hourly. You’re alone, no one around you help at all. Your family is thousands of miles away and you are totally doing this absolutely 150% solo for at least 10-11 hours a day. Everyday you’ve been at this for the last 4 years straight. You hate everything. But, you have to make it clear for anyone is too basic to understand what you’re going through that you actually love your kids more than life itself.

You’re in your PJ’s but you don’t remember the last time you showered as you’re waiting for both kids to sleep so you seek the serenity of a shower. You don’t know the last time you had an adult conversation. When’s the last time anyone cared about what you really thought or felt? You are always neeeded and wanted. But it’s in the way that most butlers are needed and wanted. Surely, you are loved, right? You are waiting for your husband to get home so that you can toss the kids over and go take that dump you’ve been holding in for who knows how long. Because, every time you sit down, someone yells, “Moooooooomyyyyyy!” How you don’t have permanent constipation is a miracle.

When’s the last time you even held your husband’s hand or had a full conversation like you did that time when life was a fairytale and you were actually a princess? Did you even finish the laundry for the week yet? Don’t forget there’s dinner to be made, dutifully, because you’ve been home all day, doing nothing. And that hair of yours, did you even get to brush it once this week? Why are the kids still crying and whining? You already gave them everything they wanted.

But how dare you even feel like this. You should be grateful because you are afforded this opportunity to be at home with your kids. Your amazing husband is carrying the financial weight of the family on his shoulders every day. He’s out there hustling while you’re hustling at home, in your pj’s. So comfortable. You are lucky. You really shouldn’t be angry, sad, depressed, or crying about anything. After all, you just ordered something on Amazon Prime with your husband’s money. What a brat you are.

You were once someone with dreams and goals. But, now because you are “just at home”, you are a no one living the life of luxury apparently. You are worth less than the lady who’s busy making money AND raising her kids. She can do it, why can’t you? What’s wrong with you? You should try harder because everyone else is doing it.

You feel so alone and isolated in your thoughts and feelings. The guilt is consuming you for feeling anything but elation, joy, and gratitude. You are sinking and have to work so hard to stay afloat. Constantly finding the positives amidst what’s slowly tearing you down a little more each day. It’s not easy, tending to children all day. Some women are built for this. Why aren’t you?

You need a break but then you feel guilty for it. You need some connection but are bone tired that you can’t feel that you have so much overflowing love. You don’t know who you are anymore. You don’t recognize your worth because society, people around you, the ones closest to you, don’t really put give you much credit, thanks, or appreciation for what you do. You are expected to do all of this because that’s what’s been done since the beginning of time.

You just want to find yourself again. You want to be free again. You want to feel rested. You don’t want to feel like you’re being slowly chipped away and aged 5 years after repeating the same thing 17 times.

Yet, aside from just thiking about yourself in this little moment, there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do for your most precious cargo. You just needed to vent and whine a little so that you can deal with more whining from said cargo. You wouldn’t replace or change anything, you just really kind of want a nanny or some help once in a while. You want to be appreciated, like really appreciated in the way your other mom friend gets accolades because she’s working and bringing home the ham to supplement her husband’s bacon. You just want an easy day once a long while just so you have the gusto go keep going for another rough few months. You just someone to hold your hand and really listen to you talk about all the nonsensical things in your head. You want to feel like how you did when you were the girlfriend to the boyfriend. Ugh, remember that time? Feels like a life time ago, doesn’t it? You just want a shower, nice hair, and to wear something susbstantial like a dress for once.

When you finally come up for air, you realize for just a short while, you are doing so much. What are you doing is actually very important no matter what anyone thinks. You are not them, they are not you. It shouldn’t be about you compared to them in the first place anyway. The fruits of your labor won’t be seen in the form of a paycheck every two weeks. It might be decades from now. You are doing the best you can and no one should ever tell you that you are not doing enough. Sometimes, people forget how hard it was. Sometimes, they are too deep thinking about just themselves that they can’t fathom doing anything substantial for anyone else. You are too busy to deal with this. You are growing lives here and what’s more important than life?

To me, mommy friend, you are valued, you are priceless, and you are a hero every single day in those sweats and unkempt hair. I don’t care that you aren’t wearing the latest fashion nor that you don’t have pretty lashes on. I know you were up 15 times last night. I know you were up 5 times the night before. And the night before that for the last couple years of your existence. I know you haven’t eaten a proper meal in months even though you’ve been making proper meals for everyone else for months. I know you feel gross and unfit, but I’d rather be seen with you and be in your company. I think you’re pretty and someone out there thinks you’re gorgeous. Tell me about your day. I’m listening. Tell me about what you hope to do in the next hour. I know you’re going to do it because moms can do so much even if they’re not in a power suit. Tell me what you want to do this weekend. I hope you get to sleep. Tell me you’re going to buy yourself something nice. I’m going to tell you that you should have done that weeks ago.

We are in this together even though we are thousands of miles apart. We can cackle like witches next time someone tells us they had to go solo for the day. We can commiserate, be real and honest with each other, and know at the end of the day that we aren’t so basic that we have to sit here and remind each other that we aren’t really going to drive into a stream.

We can do this even if we feel like we can’t. We got this even if we are losing our grip. Let’s be crazy but legit, we have reasons to be crazy. Now, let’s go get ourselves some fancy drive-thru coffee and head to Target looking like hobos for the things we don’t need.


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